When a Stranger callls and gets a busy signal
by polka-dotted-pengiuns
Summary: Artemis is at home and getting some strange calls. Gasp! dun dun dun
1. the first!

When a Stranger calls and gets the busy signal 

An Artemis Fowl parody.

By: Polka-dotted-pengiun-one

**A/N**: Okay Artemis is home watching his little sister Randi. (If you've read the When black meets Acorn you'll get it) Butler is in the US with his sister and Artemis's parents are going out to eat. So yeah let the parody horror begin. (**A/N2**: There is gonna be a serous form of this later.) **A/N3:** Oh yeah I don't own when a stranger calls or Artemis Fowl.

Artemis Fowl was sitting in the living room reading a book on theories of UFOs. He was trying to find the meaning of life and was getting desperate. His sister Randi was sitting on the floor in her bright pink soft and fluffy pajamas. Playing with a little Albert Einstein doll, Artemis had given her.

Bulter was in America. Juliet, while in a wrestling match, twisted her ankle and a 300 pound fat guy landed on her. She may be hard core, but no one could have had a really, really, really, fat guy land on them with out some injury!

Artemis's parents were out on a date. They were tired of the kids and wanted to be alone. They were going out to eat and see a movie. Obviously Artemis was feeling rejected. How dare his parents leave him alone with a baby! A girl no less. What if she needed to be changed? Gosh that would be unpleasant to see, but despite this Artemis was going to be brave and take on the duty of baby-sitting.

While reading about UFO's Artemis noticed Randi was getting tired. The fact that the new born was a sleep on the floor might have told him something. Artemis didn't want to get up though. He was comfortable in his leather chair. It had finally sunken in a bit. Artemis being so light had a hard time breaking chairs in. It usually took two or three years before anyone could even tell someone had sat there. Artemis really needed to gain some weight.

Going through the agony of standing up was just something Artemis would have to deal with. So putting all fear and doubt behind him, Artemis put his hands on the arms of the chair, and stood up. If there was an audience, there would have been a standing ovation. Artemis felt very proud of himself.

Picking up Randi, Artemis noticed a foul (no pun intended) stench coming from Randi. It was a stench that would kill a dog, drive a man insane, and even scare Butler. O the horror! _No please! Anything but that. I'd rather have to fight a troll than do that! Please not that._ Artemis checked Randi's diaper. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**A/N**: Yeah I know it's short. It'll get longer later. Review peoples you know you want to!


	2. the chapter known as 2

Chapter 2

A/N: Also don't own Artemis Fowl or When a stranger calls. Just borrowing the characters and plot line. This one is longer than the first chapter!

After Artemis had gone thru the horrid and painful act of changing the baby he put her in the crib. Seeing that she was asleep instantly, Artemis turned off the lights and ran away as fast a scrawny athletically inept kid could run. Artemis didn't like the dark. After that he went to watch TV and get something to eat. He felt like something greasy and unhealthy. Butler really needed to stop feeding him tofu and other junk like that.

Artemis looked into the fridge. Apples, to red reminded Artemis of blood, and Artemis fainted at the sight of blood. Carrots, too hard Artemis's frail teeth couldn't handle the burden of carrots. Broccoli it took all of Artemis's will power not to fall on the ground twitching. Then the holy grail of the fridge PUDDING! Yes, pudding, chocolate and not filled with baby slobber Artemis was going to enjoy this.

Artemis had just gotten a huge, jumbo, bigger than Artemis's head (which is pretty big by the way) bowl of pudding. He had also gotten a 2 litter bottle of black market soda. His parents didn't like him having soda. They said it would make him hyper. Him, Artemis Fowl boy genius being hyper? Scary, freighting, eek, aaahhh, gah, scream in horror, and all of the above. So Artemis had a reason for calling the soda black market soda.

So anyways back to the story. Artemis had just sat down with his giant thing of soda and pudding when the manor's freaking loud alarm system went off. The noise was rather loud and was keeping Artemis from enjoying himself. So yet again being very brave he stood up and walked over to the little alarm system box. The tiny bugger had a disable code so long, it made Artemis's head hurt. So after about three minutes of trying to think of the code it came to Artemis, but the buttons were evil they didn't want to go down. Artemis was really getting annoyed now, so instead of doing things logically he just smacked the stupid thing. It deserved it anyways, it made him get up.

The phone started to ring in the kitchen. _Does it ever end?_ Artemis thought grudgingly, walking the long distance to the kitchen. Picking up the phone, Artemis heard the evil squeaky voice of the alarm company.

"Yes. Mr. Fowl," The lady's voice pierced Artemis's eardrums. "Your alarm system went off." Explain the obvious. "Is everything alright."

"Um…" _Um you're a boy genius start acting like one idiot. _"Yes, everything's okay. I guess just a false alarm."

"Alright then Mr. Fowl you have a nice evening." And the phone lady hung up. _Finally time to get down to- _RING! The phone again.

"ARGH!" Artemis yelled out loud. "Does it ever stop?" Artemis picked up the phone with a bit to much force that was needed slamming it into his face. "OWWW" Artemis screeched. "That hurt pain. Great now I get a nice new bruise on my forehead. Oh yeah. Hello?"

"Arty? Are you okay?" It was his mother checking in. "The alarm company just called. It everything okay there?"

"Yes, OW, Mother everything is fine I just…" Artemis not wanting to admit he just thwacked himself in the face with the phone thought of some thing. "fell on one of Randi's toys trying to get the phone. I'm okay."

"Alright honey, call me if you nee any help. We can send some over there any time."

"I will mother,"

"Okay honey bye."

"Bye." His mother hung up. "Okay now that that's taken care of lets start on that" Ring the phone _again._ "This time I will not hit myself in the face will the phone I will not hit myself in the face with the phone," Artemis chanted angrily picking up the phone. "Hello?"

"Artemis? It's Butler the alarm system went off. Are you okay? Is some one in the house? Do I need to fly back home? Is it the fairies? Are they trying to take over? I'm on my way."

"BUTLER!" Artemis had to yell a few times until it was actually heard.

"What?"  
"I am fine. The alarm system just went off. I probably set it off on accident. I'm fine."

"HAVE THE FAIRIES BRAINWASHED YOU?"

"No I'm fine get back to Juliet! NOW!" Artemis slammed the phone on the receiver as hard as he could. It almost shook the receiver. "Now as I was saying-" RING the phone the evilness. "AAAAHHHH! WHAT IS IT?" Artemis yelled into the phone.

"Your alarm system went off Mud Boy just making sure you aren't dead." It was Foaly.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP THINKING THAT I"M GOING THE DIE! I AM CABALBLE OF TAKING CARE OF MYSELF FO A FEW HOURS AT HOME!" Artemis was out of breath after this long rant.

"Well you see I'm entirely sure about the last part." Foaly said innocently.

"AAAAAHHH DIE IN A DARK LONLEY COLD CORNER!"

"Now there's no need for th-" Artemis had slammed the phone down with extreme prejudice. Then he ran into the garage and bought out a sledge hammer. Obviously he wasn't just going to stand there. He walked over to the phone and started beating the crud out of the phone of evilness. He smashed it in a way one would smash a hated test, or bug if that makes it clearer. Artemis smashed it till it wouldn't smash no more. Or until he was about to pass out form over excursion. After the phone was smashed to Artemis's liking he put the hammer back in its place and walked back into the living room were his soda and pudding were waiting for him. The deed was done and Artemis was ready to enjoy the evening. That is until the next phone call came. DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!

A/N: OH wow that was so fun to write I hope you guys like it I tried to make it longer and I think I at least did that. Thanks to all who left reviews it makes me feel very warm and fuzzy inside! Hope ya'll like it. BYE!


	3. daiper

Chapter 3

**A/N:** Okay so I don't own Artemis Fowl and there is reference to Star Wars in this chapter so I'm gonna let ya'll know don't own Star Wars either.

Artemis had finally had gotten to sit down with his pudding. The teen was sitting on the conch in front of the TV watching a movie with a huge spoon eating the pudding by the scoop and getting quite a bit on his face. When he drank the soda he didn't bother with a glass just drank from the bottle. A regular teen would be proud.

When Artemis noticed that he looked like a hobo in a suit he went to the bathroom to wash off. Passing thru the kitchen he passed by the mess that used to be the kitchen phone. _Oh well I got the cordless in the living room. Mother and Father might want to know how the diamond incrusted phone turned into diamond incrusted dust. Ah I'll worry about that later._ Artemis thought to himself. Walking into the bathroom, Artemis was worse than even he could comprehend. The boy looked like the pudding was supposed to be one of those face masks that women wear that never work. It was even in his hair! They would have to operate. Artemis grabbed a silk wash clothe from the drawer and began for the worst cleaning of his life.

About 3 minutes in, Artemis had half the chocolate goodness off his pale face. And it was starting to get even paler due to having to stand for so long. Oh the agony! Artemis looked at himself in the mirror. His bright blue eyes shone then went to pure fury in about .3 mil seconds. The phone rang……again. Artemis washed what was left off his face and tried to run into the living room but tripped on his shoelace. Getting up, Artemis tripped again on some pudding on the floor. His friend the pudding had betrayed him. On the third time Artemis made it all the way to the living room and got the phone but, tripped again on his own feet, (How smart of him.) and his hand hit the bowl spilling pudding all over him. Mostly his head. Artemis wasn't what most would call poised.

"What is it?" Artemis mumbled. There was no answer. "Who ever it is I won't yell _into _the phone. So what is it?" Still no answer. "WELL FINE THEN! I WILL YELL IN THE PHONE!" Artemis yelled into the phone. He hung up. The pudding was everywhere. The floor, his clothes, this hair and his face,_ again. _His pudding friend had betrayed him for the second time. Artemis was hurt. What had he ever done to the pudding? Besides eat it with extreme prejudice obviously. Artemis cried from his betrayal cleaning up the pudding. He cried when he was mopping, he cried when he was orange-glowing the furniture, and most of all he cried just because he was cleaning. Artemis carried his crying self upstairs to take a shower.

Artemis was in the shower crying still, the hot water hadn't kicked in. Oh how the cold water drilled into his pale skin. Oh the horror of having to shower because he was actually dirty. And even still the horror of having to use his mom's shampoo. He, in his crying state of mind had wandered into his parents' bathroom. On the bright side though Artemis's mom's shampoo smelled like fresh peaches. Artemis liked fresh peaches. Seeing this Artemis perked up quickly and Artemis did a happy dance. Oh the joy of smelling like fresh peaches. While Artemis was doing his happy dance he heard a sound he had come to hate. An evil sound. One that makes children cry, grown men cower in fear, and chickens to lay eggs. It was the sound of the phone ringing.

Artemis jumped out of the shower all ninja style. Grabbed a towel and ran down the hall (with it around his waist) to get the phone. Gasping for breath from running a hundred feet, Artemis picked up the phone trying to steady his breath.

"Hello?" No answer "Hello?" Artemis was getting sick of this. "If this is Holly trying to confess her true love to me, I'm here." If it was Holly she would probably find a way to reach thru the phone and strangle him, but at least he would know it was her. Still there was no answer. "Well fine no one likes you anyway." Artemis said sticking his tongue out at the phone.

Hanging up, Artemis walked down to his room to change. He changed into his silk business tie PJ's. He loved those PJ's so. With their little ties all stripped and polka doted and plaid. They mad him look like a business man who enjoys his sleep. And Artemis does indeed like his sleep. But now was not the time for sleep, now was the time for movies with pink bunnies frolicking in the fields of happiness. And giant purple hippos that like to sing "Mary had a little lamb!"

Artemis had just put in Magical Bunny and the river a of Happiness when the phone rang once again. Artemis was getting tired of getting mad enough to smash the phone each time it ran so he only howled in pain at getting up to answer the phone. When he answered the phone he was shocked. There was a voice on the other end!

"Hey Artemis, it's Holly. Heard you're babysitting your sister. How's that going?"

Artemis was more than relieved when he heard it was Holly on the other end. "Um" _You idiot! You did it again!_ "Fine I guess. Have you been calling trying to confess your undying love for me and just been too scared to say anything?"

"WHAT!"

"I'm not going to be mad. I just need to know."

"NO I HAVEN'T!"

"Oh… are you calling to? Holly? Holly?" The line was dead. Holly had hung up. NO idea why. Artemis felt insulted. How dare she hang up on him! He was just asking a question! The phone rang again. Artemis waited a minute, waiting for Butler to pick up the phone. Then he remembered he was home alone. Duh! Picking up Artemis did not hear Holly's voice trying to confess her undying love for him. It was the same Vader breathing voice.

"Have you checked the diaper?"

"What?"

"Have you checked the diaper?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Have you checked the diaper?"

"Do you have an obsession with diapers?"

"No"

"Then why do want me to check the diaper?"

"It might smell," At hearing this Artemis hung up as fast as he could and ran up stairs, hopping dearly that the diaper didn't smell. When he got into the room he wasn't completely out of breath. He must be getting in some sort of shape other than stick. Walking into the room he saw Randi sleeping soundly in her crib. Her little body curled up in a little ball. Artemis lifted the back of the diaper and checked it. No poo. Artemis almost fainted with relief. He walked down stairs to the living room and the phone rang again. _After tonight I'm going to destroy every phone in this house with a sledge hammer._ Picking up the phone Artemis heard the same creepy voice.

"How was the diaper?" Artemis dropped the phone.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

**A/N:** Okay so that was chapter 3. Hope you guys liked it. And thanks to penguin two for giving me the diaper idea. And um yeah reviews would be cool! BYE!


	4. CALL WAITING

Chapter 4

A/N: Yeah don't own Artemis Fowl.

Artemis ran around the house shutting all drapes and doors. Even the closet door. Then he ran in the living room and hit behind the couch in the fettle position. They could see him he thru the windows. Then again there was a lot of them. Artemis was starting to get freaked out. No one did this to Artemis Fowl the second except Butler. Like that one time when Artemis was three, and Butler told him where he came from. Artemis couldn't look at his parents for a month. But that's beside the point.

The real point is that they can see him and that freaked Artemis out. The phone rang again. RING! Artemis didn't want to answer it. RING! Dang it! He hated the stupid ringing. Artemis got up and answered the phone of evilness. It was the evil breather of doom.

"What do you want?" Artemis stammered into the phone. "You must be calling for something." The caller hung up. How rude. It was one thing to scare him half to death but to hang up on him too. Artemis felt rejected. The phone rang again. Artemis answered.

"What are you wearing?"

"OH GOD HE'S A HOMOSEXUAL!" Artemis screamed dropping to phone and stomping on it. The boy genius stomped on that phone like no tomorrow. I think Artemis enjoys destroying phones. Once the phone was sufficiently smashed, stomped on and just all around destroyed, Artemis went up stairs to get another cordless phone.

Walking up the stairs was a task for Artemis. Every shadow looked like it might be the homosexual freak that was stalking him. He checked in on Randi to make sure she was fine. She was sleeping away like babies do. _Lucky _Artemis thought. He grabbed the cordless phone and ran down stairs. Artemis knew exactly who he would call. If only he could remember the number. Now what was that three number phone number to call in case of emergencies? 119? No 991? Nope that wasn't it. 919? Dang it! If only he had listened in kindergarten to the stupid safety officer. Frankly he didn't think he'd need it considering he had the 7ft tall bodyguard. Oh curse fate!

In the end Artemis gave up and decided to call Foaly instead. He would probably be more help anyway. Artemis dialed the 14 digit phone number. After two rings Foaly picked up.

"Hello?" Foaly answered.

"Hi Foaly, Good friend to Artemis, Smart centaur, unappreciated centaur, um..." Artemis was doing his best to suck up. And it wasn't really working.

"What do you want mud boy?"

"Well you see. I've been getting these funny calls lately and, they're kind of freaking me out and-"

"LIKE major GASP! Artemis Fowl freaked out! I need to record this for future reference!"

"Cut the sarcasm. I was wondering if you maybe could trace the calls and maybe get them to stop."

"OH SO NOW THE MUD BOY WANTS OUR CONCERN! WELL WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO? WHAT THEN?"

"Pleeeeease Foaly," Artemis said putting on the big innocent act with the big eyes, pouting lip and everything else. "You know you want to."

"No I don't want to. You weren't nice to me before."

"Pweeeaaase!"

"NO"

"You know you want to.Do I need to tell Holly what Foaly's been writing in his dairy?"

"What?"

"Ahem, and I quote "Gods, Holly has the cutest butt since the creation of butts." Now I wonder how Holly would react to that."

"You suck Mud Boy." Foaly mumbled "Fine I'll trace the stupid calls. Try to keep him on the line for 10 seconds. Think you can do that?"

"I think I can, I think I can."

"And I'll send Holly over to keep you from killing your self."

"Okay thanks." Artemis herd the call waiting beep and clicked over.

"GOSH! IT'S CALLED CALL WAITING! DIDN'T YOU HERE THE CALL WAITING BEEP? NOW I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO HARASS YOU THIS CALL!" And the creepy caller guy hung up.

"Well that was weird."

**A/N**: yeah that chapter was shorter than some others. But it seemed like a good place to end that chapter. Um about the homosexual thing that was not meant to offend anyone I just thought it would be funny. So yeah. Reviews would be cool! Hope ya'll liked it. I'll try to post soon, but track season is starting up soon so I'll be running like no tomorrow after school. So yeah updates might take a little longer.


	5. it's only a flesh wound!

Chapter 5

A/N: Okay if you've gotten this far then by now you should know that I don't own Artemis Fowl. This is the last chapter. And it has reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which I don't own so yeah.

After the little call waiting incident Artemis decided he would calm his mind and watch the Magical Bunnies and the river of Happiness movie. Artemis retrieved the movie from his room and put it in the DVD player. No sooner had he pushed play, the phone rang. Artemis remembered what Foaly had said and answered the phone. Immediately he hung up. That was not ten seconds. Cursing himself for being an idiot, Artemis put the phone down thinking the freak would call again. AND that time he would stay on the phone long enough for Foaly to trace the call. Soon after Artemis thought this the phone rang again. Artemis picked up instantly and of course hung up. _Damn it!_ Artemis thought._ Come on boy genius just stay on the phone for 10 seconds. Like that song says I think I can I think I can I think I can._ The phone rang again. This time Artemis was in full concentration. He picked up the phone and answered.

"Hello?"

"Why have you been hanging up on me? Just because I'm harassing you is no excuse to be rude. My goodness. It's called common courtesy. You'll never get any were being rude. Now I'm going to hang up, and when I call again you better be a lot more polite." Artemis hung up. There was only so much one person could take. That had to be at least 10 seconds. Now all that there was left to do was wait for Foaly's call. Or Holly to come over what ever happened first. Artemis was getting up to go to the fridge when the phone rang again. The question was whether to answer it or not. It could be the freaky caller guy who obviously had a thing for manners and was really perverted. Or it could be Foaly tracing the call and Artemis really didn't know what would happen after that. Artemis gave in and answered the phone of evilness.

"Hello"

"Artemis, it's Foaly I've traced the calls. He's in the rafters!"

"We don't have rafters."

"Well obviously you do or he wouldn't be in them!"

"I'm serous! I don't think we have rafters."

"What about the attic?" Artemis looked up toward to ceiling and got a bad feeling in his stomach. He then threw up all over the phone cutting off Foaly. After the puke had exited Artemis's body, Artemis ran into the garage and retrieved the diamond incrusted ax. Were they got all this diamond incrusted stuff, Artemis really couldn't say. Artemis ran up stairs to Randi's room only to hear the a big thud in the attic as the creepy stalker guy fell trying to punch through ceiling. _Crap he knows that that I know. _Artemis ran into his sister's room and turned on the light. Randi was still in her bed, but there was something behind it. Upon a closer look, Artemis realized it was Holly, and she didn't look alive.

"Oh Holly," Artemis yelled all dramatically dropping the blunt end of the ax on his foot. It was quite painful. "Killed in her youth. Never to tell the young and handsome Artemis Fowl her undying love for him. Oh the horror and pain!" Holly got up and started laughing hysterically. Obviously she was not dead if she was laughing. Artemis was now confused. How do the dead get up and start laughing? "Okay now I'm confused."

"Oh that was great. I'm not dead by the way. I got you so good. It was hilarious!" Holly was trying to get a hold of herself. "Okay I'm calming down. So anyway Foaly sent me over here so what's the problem."

"There's a crazy stalker guy in my house and he's been stalking me!"

"You don't say."

"Here, take her," Artemis said handing Randi to Holly. "I've got a creepy stalker guy to get out of my house."

"Artemis, don't be an idiot. You can't take on a creepy stalker guy."

"Oh yes I can. He kept me from my pudding enjoyment." Artemis said cocking the ax. Despite the fact that axes don't cock. Artemis provided his own sound affects. "Take Randi outside and keep her away from the creepy stalker guy. I'll be back"

"Okay Mud Boy but it's your funeral." Holly answered flying outside with Randi. Artemis was ready. At least he thought he was ready. The teen put his hand on the door and turned to door knob. He threw the door open, it bounced off the little door stop and smacked him in the nose. Artemis got up after this little mishap. He was completely undiscouraged. With that, Artemis threw caution to the wind and stepped out of the door.

It was dark. Very dark the kind of dark that makes chickens lay eggs. Artemis stepped into the hall. His knees were knocking together so hard that anyone could have found him. He walked down the hall. There was a thump behind him. Artemis lost all of his bravery and ran down the hall screaming. At the stairs he ran into the creepy stalker guy and they both fell down the stairs screaming. Artemis saw his short life flashing before his eyes. _Man_, he thought_ My life has sucked. _The creepy stalker guy saw his life flashing before his eyes. _Wow, did I really kill that many people?_ They both hit the bottom of the stairs with a thud.

The creepy stalker guy got up. Artemis got up. Artemis then fell down again. Then he got up again, grabbed the ax and was ready for a fight. The creepy stalker guy had a ski mask. He was about as big as Butler and was wearing all black. Artemis felt his frail heart speed up as he raised the ax for attack.

"You won't do it kid," The creepy stalker guy teased. "I would have killed you before you could even take a swing." The creepy stalker guy laughed. It was a creepy stalker guy kind of laugh. It would chill water, unfreshinze fresh peaches, and make dinners go cold. Artemis didn't like it. Only Artemis was allowed to have a creepy kind of laugh like that. So Artemis gathered all the strength he could and swung the ax down on the creepy stalker guy's arm. It came down and cut off the creepy stalker guy's arm. Ketchupy blood poured out of the wound.

"Oh shit." Artemis nearly yelled. He cut off a guys arm, and the arm was next to him having little spasms. "Well I think I've won this fight."

"No you haven't."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can still fight you."

"Your arm's gone."

"It's just a flesh wound."

"Please," Artemis said walking away when creepy stalker guy grabbed him around the neck. Creepy stalker guy's blood was getting all over him. Artemis, remembering his fainting condition, decided to redirect that power into barfing, and Artemis barfed all over creepy stalker guy. Creepy stalker guy didn't like this much. So he tried to attack Artemis again. Artemis this time hacked off creepy stalker guy's other arm.

"HAHA!" Artemis laughed. "I win so nueea" sticking his tongue out at creepy stalker guy. Creepy stalker guy wasn't going out without a fight so he kicked Artemis. "Ow, that hurt." Creepy stalker guy kicked Artemis again. Artemis feeling no more need to use the ax, threw it aside. Then he ran at creepy stalker guy and knocked him down. Artemis fought like real hero, he disarmed the enemy so they couldn't defend them selves then he beat the living snot out of them.

Then Artemis remembered the three digit number. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I remember now." Artemis ran over to the last cordless in the house and dialed 9-1-1. "Yeah there's a creepy stalker guy in my house so some help would be appreciated." Then just for the heck of it Artemis took the ax and smashed the phone. Now how was Artemis going to explain how the diamond incrusted ax became a ruby incrusted ax? He would worry about that later. When he went upstairs to change he found Randi asleep in her crib. After Artemis changed he heard the door open.

"Arty, we're home. Why are all the phones destroyed?"

_Oh crap_

END!

**A/N:** WWWEEEE It's done! That took a lot of work. But it was so worth it. I want to thank penguin 2 for some really great ideas! And I hope you guys liked it! I might write an epilogue. Later. Um… Reviews would be cool. BYE!


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